In person, you can just sit together, watch a movie, make jokes and laugh. A person can sit in long silence after getting some news, and their interlocutor can see they’re processing them. You can raise your eyebrows in shock or disbelief. They can touch your shoulder to show they support you. You can hold their hand to calm them down. You can listen to music together and say nothing. One day together can be worth years of texts. Big fan of being together in person.
There were times when I used to interrupt the person I was talking with. Either when I just remembered something and didn’t trust that my memory would hold onto the thought until they were done speaking, or whenever I heard something I didn’t agree with or considered a lie. My best friend and my therapist still experience the first case, and my family and partners the second, but much less often than before.
I recently took part in solving a misunderstanding, and I was surprised by how I mentally pinned the subjects the other person talked about that I didn’t see the same way. When it was clear the other person had reached the full stop, I started stating my case. When I went home, I realized there were a few things I had forgotten to clarify, but it didn’t bother me. That was a first. I could sleep well that night even if I hadn’t set the record straight on some subjects. I don’t know what in the lorazepam had gotten into me to be that calm. And I’m not taking anything, it must be the therapy.
One of the things that used to make me most anxious was trying to solve other people’s problems. Some people I know are still dealing with the same issues they’ve been dealing with for many years (drug and alcohol abuse, and other self-destructive choices) and it’s clear that my attempts to fix their problems have had no effect whatsoever in the past, so I’ve just let them be.
It’ll be sad if the paths they’re following end badly, but I have to release myself from the pressure of saving them. I’ve provided information, plans, and support that was never asked for. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink.
If someone asks for help, I’ll be here to do what’s in my hands, but I won’t offer it unprompted anymore. This mindset is reaching other less important areas of my relationships. Before, if a friend would tell me they’re visiting a place I’ve been to, I would send them a list of must-see monuments, nice restaurants and the schedules for every museum and cathedral. As if they don’t know how to use the internet themselves. Now I just let them know I’m available if they want advice and leave them to organize their trip in peace.
If a friend tells me their problems, I’ll listen and empathize, not try to fix them. If they ask for suggestions on what to do, that’s when I’ll give it to them.
I’ve asked myself whether this new behaviour is a bad thing, and whether it means I’m growing distant from my friends. After all, I like to feel I’m part of a community where we help each other. But I’ve come to realize that this only brings benefits. I feel lighter without carrying so many problems, and my friends still know I’m available, just not intrusive.
During the 2.5 weeks since writing this post I’ve played at least 1 hour of:
It’s been a nice tasting menu, but I’ll probably reduce the variety now and focus on just two or three games at a time. Ideally, one RPG with a long campaign for the weekends, and a couple of games I can jump in and out of for 30 minutes a day.
*The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion Remastered was released yesterday, and I’ve been able to play a little thanks to a shared Game Pass account. My 3050 Ti graphics card said “what do you think you’re doing?”, and even though dungeons are playable with low settings, when I step to the exterior the FPS drop is too high. So I have come to terms with the fact that I won’t be able to play it comfortably for a while, since a new PC or a PS5 don’t seem to be in my immediate future.
These weeks I have been reminded that I have more than I need, and how lucky I am to be living in a time where playing anything ever released is so accesible. It would take me several lifetimes to finish every game in my library. If I had a journal of gratitude, I’d write that.
I was listening to a playlist of new music the other day, and when I heard this, I thought Chris Isaak had released a new song.
David Lynch, you would have loved to feature him in your next film.
John Waters, you’re my only hope.
According to Cambridge Dictionary, “backlog” means “a large number of things that you should have done before and must do now.” I read that word for the first time around three years ago in the subreddit /patientgamers, meaning the games users have in their libraries but haven’t played yet. In that subreddit, they discuss playing non-current games, and it’s common for them to buy games many years after their release. Using sites like gg.deals to check when the game you want is on sale, it’s common to come across many other games you weren’t initially looking for, and end up buying them to play sometime in the future. Or that’s what you think.
I bought Stardew Valley in October 2021, and it’s my most played game with 388 hours of playtime. I bought Serial Cleaner in August 2021 and I haven’t opened it yet. Half of the games in my Steam library have never been installed. I’d say it’s close to 95% in the case of Epic Games, where they give away one free game every week. Same with GOG.com, where I’ve collected many free games I don’t know if I’ll ever play.
Browsing the combined collection of games from different libraries, through apps like Playnite can be overwhelming. There’s a thought that it would be a shame not to play those games, especially the ones I did paid for. But there’s enough pressure to be productive at work, and I don’t want my free time to feel like a list of duties as well. A collection of movies, TV shows, music or games I’ve yet to enjoy shouldn’t make me feel guilty.
The money’s already spent, and playing the games or not isn’t going to give it back. But I want to feel drawn to those games the way I did when I first got them. It’s usually as simple as opening one up and playing for a few minutes. Most times I end up enjoying it and continue playing for the rest of the evening.
I haven’t made a list of games I have to finish, but I have made a list of games I want to play for at least 1 hour in 2025. Some I’ve already completed on other platforms, like Dragon Age: Inquisition, Inside or Journey on PS4. Some I’ve played for a few hours already, like Age of Empires II, Outer Wilds or Hades. And some I’ve never touched, like Little Nightmares or Oxenfree.
Finishing 38 games, even over many years, is a big task. Playing 1 hour of 38 different games without pressure is very achievable, and more importantly, something I think I’ll enjoy.
I started with Outer Wilds yesterday, and it was a refreshing experience after months of playing the same five games and ignoring the rest. As a bonus, it’s a great way to escape the trap of battle passes, and knowing I’m going to give a game only as much time as I want, not as I think I should.
My list of games to play for at least 1 hour in 2025
